Missing YOU.

And now I had the courage to read my old posts in this blog. Well, my Sunday Secrets did not stop. In fact, it continues every week and, at times, it's really killing me. 

I still have feelings for this guy. I still stutter and get stiff when he's around. But slowly, I am learning to get over my feelings and be a normal person in front of him. Though I know I am not completely believable being a normal person, I still believe that I have improved on how I handle myself when he is there. I can look at him in the eyes sometimes, and make small talks when necessary. However, I am hoping that one day all of the feelings that I had for him will go away, and I will be able to live a normal life, not worrying about what he thinks of me and patiently waiting for the ONEderful guy that the Lord has prepared to be my husband. 

GOING OFF-TOPIC..

A few weeks ago, we tired to revive the youth ministry in our church. As of now, it is still in the process of building the commitment. I was assigned to be the leader of the group even though I cannot say that I had the experience needed in this position. But I believe that one day God will make our youth ministry a successful one. I have been struggling to accept this responsibility for quite a long time. And sometimes, I still can't believe that God has placed me in this position. I have rejected the Lord many times for the things that He wants me to do. And this time I can't say no. 

The Lord says all I got to do is trust and believe in Him. Have faith and everything shall come into place. And now, I do. 

Sunday Secrets does not always have to be about the guy I admire. Sundays are for the Lord and not for someone I wish to be my boy. I hope that time will come that when I read my blogs about him, I'll just laugh and tell myself "Good thing, you were able to move on."

DOOT  07/20/2012

It's not Sunday anymore.

Last Saturday, I saw him in an event that happens every week. For a long time, my friends and I were not able to attend that event because of how busy we were. But that day, we decided to have a refreshing night by going there. The circumstances that day were not easy. It was raining hard, we were stucked in traffic and we were not dressed really well. For a while I thought that this was bad idea, and it seems that everything did not go along with our plans that night. But we still went there.


When we came, the program had started for about ten to fifteen minutes already. And inside the building, the thing that I least expected to happen happened. He was there, sitting alone on one side of the room. But before I saw him, I noticed his girlfriend with her friends on the seats near the stage. Suddenly I felt uneasy on my seat, and transferred three more seats on the opposite side of the room. I think he saw me, but we both chose not greet each other. As usual, I was shy and did not know how to greet him so in the end I was not able to do so. 


That night, I felt regrets of not talking to him in a place where we both are not comfortable. It was a chance that I allowed to pass by. I was happy for seeing him there, but at the same time I felt jealous that he was there with his girlfriend. The jealousy was of course not justified, because I practically do not have the right to feel that way. But that was how I felt. And it sucks, being unable to fight for my feelings. 


The thing that I am pointing out here is that feeling of excitement and foolishness and anxiety will not come only on Sundays, but also every Saturday. How fun is that? Not funny at all. We have decided to go to that event every week now. I don't like feeling those feelings I have but I still feel them anyway. 


I don't like this feeling of being in love and not receiving anything in return. And now, I feel such a jerk for not allowing us to be friends. I'm still hoping someday that I will be able to overcome this feelings because as such as they give me joy, they also give me heartaches that I can't fight myself. 

DOOT

08/30/11

A little Liar inside.

I never thought my heart would beat even faster for you. As usual, just as I am about to say goodbye to you, you do something that would make me fall for you all over again. Even though I'm saying this like I am completely for it, the truth is I don't like it 'cause it hurts so much inside feeling this way. You were there in front of me, but I know you are way too far for you to even notice me. 


Today, I just knew that the thing you have with her is real and its just hard to intervene. I am completely aware that it was me who caused this things to happen. I did not allow anything, even friendship, to happen between us.


It has been a while seen I started to tell myself to stop thinking about you, but never actually did, 'cause I can't. Until now I'm still figuring out myself. What do I really feel? Is this right? Or is everything just a little sad story that I made myself? I still don't know the answers. I am totally clueless about what to do, but I know I have to do something. Something that would make my heart calm, patient and peaceful, even for just a while. 


As write this blog, I feel like I am in high school again. Being so depressed and feeling so emotional about a guy whom I don't even know for sure if I really feel that way for him. When we write, sometimes we just get too emotional and exaggerate the whole thing. 

Doot

06/26/11

exposed

I have decided to turn off my laptop once it says battery is low, but when I sent a message to my best friend, I thought maybe I want a little work for my fingers. 


I just read some blogs and reviews from real bloggers and realized there could be more to blogging than just sharing how you feel at the moment. It should cover the whole picture you want your readers to see. It's not just a picture and a one-liner caption below it. A real blog contains messages and lessons that the writer learned in the process which then inspire the readers who could be in just the same situation.


It was good I made my clear that I want this "blog" to be for my private writings and thoughts. I admit this isn't one of the real blogs I was talking about, but who knows maybe in time I'll learn how to write well and be brave enough to share the thoughts and feelings that I have. Thanks to Samantha Sotto's blog about Sunday secrets and I was able to know about the other world that exist online. Just now, I realized the world wide web is not equal to FACEBOOK, GOOGLE and YOUTUBE. There are also some good things happening on the side that  is not exposed to everyone. I guess I was lucky to discover about this. 


I think this blog will not be a place to write the thoughts that should be kept away from the WWW anymore. Then I need to have a real diary for that.. 

Brackets

Yesterday, I got my new braces on my teeth. That is why my mouth hurts so much. But it's alright, 'cause I know in the I will have a better smile to flash to every person that I meet. I was happy, yet I was nervous when the dentist started placing the brackets on my teeth. I still have my molars free from brackets because I have a temporary filling on one of my molar teeth. I have to come back after 15 days, that is May 4, to get my molar brackets. It feels a little awkward but after a couple of days I should get used to it. 

The Brackets -->

Where are you now?

Last week, that guy was looking for me because I was not around. Yesterday, it was like I just don't exist again. Last week, I knew that somehow he knows that I exist, and that he will look for me when i'm not there. But what happened yesterday? Maybe there are just things that can't be understood unless you talk about them in detail. I want to talk to that guy, but something in me is holding back. I guess I am just afraid that things will not work the I imagine them. That will hurt big time. I think I will just stay the I am right now. I don't want to do anything yet. I will be waiting, still be waiting for the right moment for us to talk. And I wish that it wouldn't be that long, 'cause I might get tired of waiting for someone that was not coming. 

-SundaySecrets

04.04.11

First time.

It is my first time to blog. I started this because I found out that someone very dear to me has his own blog, so I also tried to make one. Hope I could continue to do this even if I will be able to forget him. Blogging is a good thing, I guess, for the mind to work, even though no one will be reading my posts.

Smiles! :)